Zen, the Radio, and Healing (a post just about Zen this time)

6-22-10

  

   Belinda and I just got back from the (last name’s).  Becca was celebrating her birthday with her friends.  Danielle will be spending the night there tonight. 

   I helped out with the Bisti Writing Project today, and I actually did get to help.  I helped with some technology problems, and I gave some writing advice as well. 

   As I was driving home, I had another strange radio “encounter.”
  I was thinking about Zen, feeling forlorn again about what had happened.  Just like before (years and years ago) when I was driving home from Durango after a volleyball match thinking about my Aunt Mary, and thinking about how she liked the band Credence Clearwater Revival and how right at that moment a CCR song came on.  Right then I got a peaceful feeling that her family was going to be just fine even though Mary had died of a heart attack.  It sounds strange, but I thought Mary was talking to me through the radio.

   Fast forward to tonight, and as I was thinking about our dear deceased dog, the song I Have to Say I Love You in a Song by Jim Croce came on the oldies station, KOOL 104.5.  This would not be so spooky or spectacular if I had not written about that song and some others on the way to Lakewood a few days ago, and how they were making me sad, and more to the point, how they were making me think of Zen, and that I actually wrote about them. 

Here's what I wrote that day...

   I know I said I wouldn’t write about Zen, but some of the songs playing off of B’s playlist are making me sad.  Maybe it’s because it’s so fresh in my mind and I’m making connections I normally wouldn’t, or maybe God is talking to me through the music.  We just heard You’re My Best Friend and Dust in the Wind.  Now, Jim Croce is singing I’ll Have to Say I Love You in a Song.  Those sum it up well, but not well enough.  I’ll put it into words later, but for now these songs are both melancholic and comforting.

   When I first heard it, I was thinking about how that song specifically was somehow connected to Zen, and at first I thought that the song was for me to tell Zen that I loved him since he was gone, and because he was gone, I had to say I loved him “in a song.”  I know, weird stretch, but that’s what I thought.

   When I heard it tonight, I thought about its meaning again, and this time I pictured Zen “talking” to me.  That was his way of saying he forgave me, and that he still loved me.  Or more likely it was God’s way of forgiving me since I am still having an incredibly difficult time forgiving myself.  Either way, I felt some relief, a bit of healing.  

   And then a CCR song came on (Bad Moon Rising)!  That was the clincher for me.  When I heard that, it completed a second connection in my brain, the connection that told me (and this is my opinion) that this was for real.  It was a strong message, and I had received it.

   I had to write about this to make more sense of it.  I know it has nothing to do with golf, but it was too important, strange, and wonderful not to tell.